Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
