I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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