I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
