Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
