I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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