just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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