if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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