I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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