I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
