Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
