So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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