Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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