I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
