Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
