Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
