hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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