i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
