Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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