I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
