my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
