My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
