nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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