Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I AM VODKA MAN
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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