I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
