Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize