YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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