i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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