I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just found puke in my bra..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
