he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
