U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Someone shattered a urinal.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
