hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I know her cup size but not her name....
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
