I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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