my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
