youre lurking in front of me
Betty ford says i'm here all night
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
