Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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