I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
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