tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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