Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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