I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is the high leading the old right now
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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