Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
