I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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