im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
