You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
