i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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