ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
