also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
