great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
