Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
