I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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