I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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