A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
