I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
