my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize