She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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