The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All the doctor said was why
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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