hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
