not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
