My sheets look like a crime scene.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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