her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she told me i tasted like america
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
