if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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