you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
