you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
