So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
