I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
